Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You took a bar mat shot.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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