miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
