I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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