Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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