Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
