I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
