Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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