First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
