I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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