Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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