Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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