These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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