Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
love makes seman taste better
birth control should be required to get into college
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
