I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
