I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Drunk is a universal language darling
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