They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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