Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
