so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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