i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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