meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
