the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
