so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
They took my balls.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
