You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
