I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
