i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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