I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
