every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I think my moral compass just broke
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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