woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
