I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
