Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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