Pregnant stripper...not hot.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
