I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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