Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
