if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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