I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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