Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Found the puke drawer
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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