So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
