Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
