I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I smell like Dick and happiness
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