i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
