I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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