I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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