did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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