We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Randomize
