He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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