i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
