MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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