I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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