All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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