grandma shit on top of the toilet
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
