Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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