The maid of honor just puked.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
