Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
