I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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