Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize