Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
