i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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