mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
