i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
