i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
