i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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