He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize