she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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