I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
