So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
