the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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