He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
