look no pants
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
